Family -- finding the right blend

Last week I was showing off pictures of my grandson to a group of friends. The ladies oooh'd and aaah'd as I bragged about how big he was and how he has learned to walk at only ten months. As far as I am concerned he is the cutest, most talented little boy on the planet.

In the small group was a friend-of-a-friend that I have only met a few times. "Your grandson?" she asked. "You don't seem old enough to have a grandson!"

I was thrilled at this observation and wondered why don't I talk to this woman more often. She is clearly brilliant!

I gave a quick explanation of my family situation. My oldest daughter is from my husbands' first marriage and she had a child when she was quite young.

"So he's not really your grandson then," she said.

Immediately I remembered why this woman and I didn't get along. "Of course he is. He is my daughter's son." Perhaps it was the tone of my voice but the conversation ended quickly.

It is not the first time I have heard the argument. Whenever I mention that I have a daughter in her twenties and two others in elementary school I inevitably have to explain that my oldest was a 'signing bonus' when I married my husband. I have stopped trying to understand why people feel the need to point out that only the younger two are 'really' mine.

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I was twenty-one when I met my husband. He told me he was legally separated and had a child on the night we met. It was not something I was looking for in a relationship but I fell in love fast and hard for this man and that was part of the package.

We were married two years later. At twenty-three I was too young to be a step-mom. I was too selfish, too self-involved and too stubborn. As the adult in that relationship I take full responsibility. I should have done a better job and my failure to do so is one of my life's biggest regrets. As Meghan grew up -- and I grew up too -- I learned to love her. Several years ago I apologized to Megs for our early relationship and she was gracious enough to accept it and clear the slate so we could start over. She is a tremendous young woman with a loving heart and I am blessed to have her in my life.

On a few occasions she has lived in our home and I now think of her as one of my kids. I would do anything to help her if she needed me. If she needed a kidney -- I would be one of the first ones in line.

***

One of the turning points in our relationship was the birth of my first child. When I got pregnant everyone warned me that it would cause problems. Meghan was eleven years old and used to being an only child. Everyone predicted this baby would only make waves.

In hindsight I realize that Meghan's mother deserves all the credit for making Gracie's birth a positive event for our family. She would send Meghan for visits with brochures, pamphlets and booklets about baby care that we could look at together. She encouraged Meghan to be excited about a new sibling. It seems like an obvious approach to parenting but I have heard far too many horror stories about ex-spouses who see the birth of a new child as a threat. I will always be grateful to Carolyn for her role in making our family stronger.

When Paul and I discussed names for the baby we had a brief discussion about surnames. In the end we decided to go with Paul's last name because we wanted all of our daughters to have the same last name. My girls have never referred to Meghan as a 'half-sister'. In fact they only heard the term recently and Kathryn looked confused when she asked me how anyone could be only "half a sister". An excellent point Kathryn!

When Gracie was born Meghan was the first person we called. She was thrilled to find out about her new sister. When I got out of the hospital Meghan's grandparents drove her down to meet Gracie and the look on her face said it all. She was in LOVE -- they were not half-sisters.

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When Meghan turned thirteen her mom brought her and a few friends to Ottawa for a concert and an overnight stay in a hotel (I know, very cool). Paul and I invited Carolyn and the girls over for breakfast the next day so we could wish her well and she could introduce her little sister to her friends.

As we sipped on our coffee I asked Carolyn if this was weird. She understood what I meant and we had a quick laugh as she told me that all of the girls at the table were from blended families. Moms, step-moms, dads, step-dads were the new norm. Both Carolyn and I come from traditional families: both of us have parents who are still happily married. We were the exceptions to the rule!

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About half of my friends are divorced. Some have since married men who have ex-wives and kids of their own. Among them I am still the exception. I am fortunate enough to be in a blended family that works. Have we had disagreements? Of course we have. But we have been able to work them out without the stress, drama (and expense) of family court.

As I talk to some of my friends about their divorces and separations I am often tempted to call Carolyn and thank her for being so reasonable over the years. Carolyn: if you are reading this, THANK YOU!!

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When Meghan called to tell us she was expecting a baby we were surprised but thrilled. I love babies and I believe that a new little person to love is always good news. "You are going to be a grandpa" I told Paul.

Minutes later the phone rang and I answered it. It was Carolyn. "Hi Grandma" she said. "Am I a grandmother too?" I asked her (not wanting to take on a title that was rightfully hers) and she assured me that I was. I was honored and thrilled that she was willing to share the joy of being a Nana.

So, to the lady who pointed out that Rowan was not 'really' my grandson let me assure you that you are wrong. He is my grandson. In our blended family there are no 'halfs'.