My journey to motherhood

Happy Mother's Day! In honour of the occasion I wanted to share a little bit about my personal journey to motherhood.
When I first got married I did not want kids. I was twenty-three and I had a degree and a job I loved. I was marrying a man who already had a child so he was comfortable with my decision and for the first two years of our marriage Paul and I were childless by choice.
At age 25 my hormones blind-sided me and I realized that I wanted to change course: I wanted a baby. Unfortunately my body was not co-operative (I will spare you all the gory details). After several months of blood tests, painful medical procedures and disappointing at-home pregnancy tests Paul and I ended up in front of a specialist who matter-of-factly informed us there was a strong possibility we would never have a child.
They had determined that I have a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome PCOS). At the time, doctors were less familiar with the condition so my gynecologist put me on a long waiting list for the fertility clinic at the Ottawa Hospital. I was depressed and frustrated. Further exacerbating the issue, it seemed that everyone I knew was getting pregnant. That year Paul and I had a Christmas party where FOUR couples announced that they were expecting. While part of me was thrilled for them by the time couple number four spoke up I excused myself for a moment, went to the kitchen and cried.
I boycotted baby showers opting to make excuses and send a gift rather than sit in a room of pregnant women who were grumbling about pains of pregnancy and the joy of motherhood. I also avoided any conversation that started with: do you guys have kids? you really should, kids are so wonderful, you don't know what you are missing. To this day I will never ask someone if they have children. If they do it will come up in conversation. If they don't, there is likely a reason for it.
By the time I was finally called in to see the specialist I had already gone several rounds with a crazy medication called Clomid which is used to stimulate ovulation. It plays havoc with your hormones and has some strong side-effects -- not the least of which is something I like to call Clomid-rage. My temper would turn on a dime and on one occasion I physically attacked a vending machine that took one of my quarters. Paul did not fare much better and after a yelling match in the middle of a hardware store (I was the only one yelling) we decided that our marriage would be stronger if we did not go for round four.
The fertility specialist we were assigned to was not a warm or welcoming man. He sat down for a long interview filled with very personal questions and a strong dose of reality. There were several options available but they were all very invasive and time-consuming. Each round would cost thousands of dollars and there was less than a thirty per cent chance we would end up with a baby. (Keep in mind this was more than 10 years ago. Today I believe that PCOS is much more understood and treatable.)
We were advised to start with IUI (intrauterine insemination). Basically I would give myself an injection each day for anywhere from 10 to twenty days to stimulate my hormones and produce multiple eggs. Every two to three days I would present myself at the hospital at 7:30 am for blood tests and an ultrasound. That day I would need to be by a phone between one to two in the afternoon as a nurse would be calling me with dosage information and further instructions for the coming days. This information would not be left on an answering machine nor with anyone else so you needed to be by the phone waiting.
The ultrasound allowed the doctors to know how many eggs were developing. If you were not going fast enough they upped the doses. If there were too many eggs coming along the cycle was stopped and you started again in two months. The clinic did not take any chances with higher-order multiples and would not inseminate in you had more than four eggs coming along. Period.
The process was all-consuming. Paul and I did not tell a lot of people what we were going through as opinions about fertility treatments tend to be strong and often ill-informed. My body reacted sluggishly, dosages were often re-calibrated and at one point I was nearly cancelled. In the end three eggs were deemed acceptable and three weeks later I found out that I was pregnant. I was over the moon.
The elation was short lived and I lost the baby early in the pregnancy. The doctors and nurses who had monitored almost every element of conception could only shake their heads and say: sometimes this happens. If you are going to lose this baby there is nothing we can do about it.
I was beyond devastated and told Paul that I was done. I could not face the clinic again. I did not want to give myself any more needles. I was simply not strong enough to do it again. He listened, he held me when I sobbed and after two weeks he put his foot down. We had come too far to give up. It worked once. It was going to work again.
My first doctor had left on sabbatical and had been replaced by a wonderful man who I trusted immediately. He was sympathetic to our loss and assured me that they had learned a lot from my first cycle and that this go-around would be easier. He was right. Six weeks later I learned that I was pregnant again.
Paul and I named our first daughter Grace because it means Gift from God. We wanted a constant reminder that this child was truly a gift and a miracle. Four years later (it took a few years to convince myself to go through the process again) Kathryn arrived and our family was complete.
I love my children and I love being a mother. It is a crazy job with bad hours but it is so rewarding to watch my girls grow and learn.
I have a tattoo on my back with a symbol representing each of my children and the lesson I learned on each journey. Gracie's symbol is STRONG because I learned along the way that I was strong enough to handle the pain and come out on the other side. Kathryn's symbol is FAITH because I was able to put my trust in God and try again and I was rewarded with a remarkable little person. Finally I have a symbol for HEAVEN for the baby I lost and who I believe I will meet one day when this life is over.
Happy Mother's Day everyone. Whether your journey to motherhood was quick or long, arduous or unexpected, the destination is worth the ride.